Precious Life.

"Jack was killed yesterday in a shooting....."

These were the words I was greeted with Sunday morning as I walked into Sunday school. My heart dropped and then rose into my throat in a matter of seconds. A very, very dear friend of mine used to date this young man and even had a daughter with him before he turned his back on the Lord and ran into the darkness of drugs. Though she no longer dated him and rarely saw him, I knew she still loved him and prayed daily that he would turn from his ways and run back into the arms of Jesus. But he didn't. Any chance he could have had was ripped away from him in a split second. Life was ended in a matter of seconds and what a gaping hole of pain it left behind.

This week I watched the devastation of his life ending so suddenly ripple through my friend and her family. He was family, even though he was lost. My grief for her and her family and his family and friends, I knew could in no way match their grief, and yet I felt like I was living through Jace and the twins' deaths all over again. I felt so helpless and yet I wanted to be a strong tower they could lean on. Watching what death does to someone you love, is the most heartbreaking thing to witness. I've always hated it and always will. 

But watching her reminded me how precious life is. Too often, I see my life as a failure, a speck of dust that could quickly disappear in the sea of other peoples' lives. Something that if I chose to throw away, no one would miss, no one would realize it was gone. 

How wrong I am to think that. Last night proved just how wrong I am in thinking my life doesn't matter. That life isn't a precious gift given to us by our Lord and Savior. 

As I drove to another friend's house to get ready for Jack's funeral, another loved one texted me. I knew without her straight out voicing it that she was contemplating ending her life. In that moment, I felt utterly torn in two. Here I was going to a funeral for a young man who's life had suddenly ended not by choice and my dear friend was trying to end her life by choice. It scared me to death, and suddenly I was split between jumping in my car and frantically driving to see her and going to this funeral to support my dear friend. 

With a pounding heart, I climbed into my friends car to go to the funeral as my heart and soul cried fervently to the Lord to save and rescue my loved one. 

Life. Is. So. Short. So very short. You never know when it can come to a dead halt. Don't waste your life. Don't lose sight of the One who always holds you. Don't lose your grasp on reality. Don't give up on your life no matter how hard it gets. Don't let go of the precious, precious life Jesus has given you. 

Nothing in this life is worth ending the life God has given you. The trials, the devastation, the sadness, the death, the sorrow, the tears, the aches, they are nothing compared to the precious eternal gift that God has given us. 

"For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 
2 Corinthians 4:10

Our Sorrows will be turned to joy, even though the loss of a loved one will never go away. Someday the sorrow will dissolve into joy that they no longer live on this world, but dance in the presence of God. 

Live life knowing that this World is not our home, for our home resides in Heaven, but God has placed us on this earth to be a light to everyone around us. We are the messengers, we are His people here to spread the Word in a world being overcome with darkness. But, most of all. 
LIVE. 
Life is not a choice that you can take away, it is a gift. A precious gift, more precious than anything on this earth. You cannot throw it away. You cannot return it. You cannot end it. 
LIVE. 
Be a blessing to those around you. 
Be a light to this dark world. 
Love with your whole heart. 
Treasure the moments you have with loved one. 
Laugh often. 
Dance. 
Be filled with Joy. 
Run to Jesus.
Hold tightly to the Promise He has given us. 
Live life to the Fullest. 
Take those adventures.
Enjoy the little things. 
Bring joy to someone else's life. 
Encourage. 
Fight for the life you have. 
Stand strong in the Lord. 

And most of all, just remember, to live this life that the Lord has given you. Live every heart beat, every mistake, every heartbreak, every sorrow, every joy, every moment of every day. 

Choose Life. 

LIVE.

Diving into the Mind of Depression

I know I've shared the news of my depression. Depression that I have had for 10 years. It took me a while to see it, but when I did, I ran from knowing it. I didn't want to see myself as depressed. I didn't want to admit that I was a cracked and broken person. Because admitting it would mean that it was true. It was reality. I didn't want to face the reality of having depression. So I ran from it. Ran for years.

I never really know how to tell people what it feels like to be depressed or what is going on in my mind. There are days when I'm fine. The depression is there, but not as strong as other days. But on my worst days, my mind is such a jumble. I struggle to stay focused at work, and I typically succeed at staying focused, but come home EXHAUSTED. I don't want to do anything when I get home, but sleep or lay on my bed and do nothing.

But on those occasions when I can no longer hold anything inside of me, but I don't want to voice whats going on in my head, I write my emotions down. It helps. Someone, God, knows. So.... here is a little preview of what goes on - Into the Mind of Depression:

1/28/16: I am broken and I cannot piece myself back together. It's not possible on my own. I need you, Lord. I need you, want you. Help me to stand in this sinking sand. To climb onto your solid rock. Because without you, I am drowning. 

My heart is breaking. I'm surrounded by shadows. I'm lost on a wayward path. Please come find me. Save me from my fears, doubts, failures, pain, and struggle. Please be my shining light in the midst of this broken, shadowed path. I need you. And I'm so tired of hiding amongst these paths to try to make it on my own. I don't want to and can't because all I do is fail and destroy myself. 

Take me from this darkness

Save me from my brokenness

Raise me from my death

Shine a light on my darkness

Save me from myself

Destroy the former me

Make me new to follow your will

Protect me from my stupidity

Help me rise above my selfishness

Keep me from controlling

Grant me forgiveness of my sins

Love me

Put me back together

Hold me. Keep me safe

Help me love again. 

2/13/16: Sometimes we are so desperately broken inside. We have no way of telling others. We've gotten so good at covering up just how lost and torn asunder we are, no one sees just how much harm we are unto ourselves. They can't see us drowning. They can't see the mental scars we've given ourselves. They don't understand. Ive done this to myself, but can't undo the damage. I'm broken. No one but God truly knows how to love me. Not even me.

On this same day, I later wrote encouraging quotes I had found and written in my journal. 

"There is always a dawn, you just have to last the night."

"HOLD ON -> tomorrow is worth it."

"GOODBYE is hard. 

It may be harder for the person leaving, 

but it's always hardest for the one being left behind."

Even when we consider it, we can't think of ending our story. Our life. We have to think about how it will effect those around us. What we do to ourselves often harms those around us. Depression makes us think about ourselves and what we are feeling and how down we are. But we have to learn to start thinking differently whenever depression hits. We can't think about ourselves. We have to start training ourselves to look beyond ourselves and see people around us. Quit thinking about ourselves and focus on what we are good at doing, focus on people and helping them, focus on pushing beyond our troubles and downward thoughts and look to God to save us from ourselves. We have to constantly remind ourselves this:

You may be bent, but you are not broken.

You may be scared, but you are not disfigured.

You may be sad, but you are not hopeless.

You may be tired, but you are not lifeless.

You may be afraid, but you are not powerless.

You may be angry, but you are not bitter.

You may be depressed, but you are NOT GIVING UP!

YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR! 

SO FIGHT!

We are all given our lives because we are STRONG enough to LIVE IT! 

Become a Warr;or. Learn how to fight back and don't lose sight of the one True God who made you and gave you your life. Your life is worth living. Even if life is Hell, someone out there needs you and wants you to survive your darkest night. 

Remind yourself daily:

You are a Masterpiece

You are Handpicked by God

You are LOVED

You are a person of Extreme Value

&

Significant

AND 

Remember, one of these days the Lord will give us all strength to Rise from the Ashes of our near destructions. 

Hebrews 13:5 - I will never leave you more Forsake you, declares the Lord.

IMPERFECT

IMPERFECTION:

Philippians 4:12-13 - Low - High: He is my Strength
Matthew 11:28-30 - Heavy laden: He takes my burden
Psalm 71:14 - Hope: Praise Him no matter what
Psalm 25: 15 - He will save no matter what
Joshua 1:9 - Be strong and courageous: God is with me always
Hebrews 13:21 - Equipping us to do His work to Bring Him glory


Imperfection is what makes us who we are. Sometimes we have to be smashed in the face before we see it, but it is always there in front of our faces, in our characters, in what we do, what we think, how we talk. Everywhere. We are made imperfect so that He could be more Perfect, that we could see His amazing and awesome glory. So we could see Him for who He is. We could see how He makes us strong by bringing His loving arms and Grace and perfection into the picture. We are made imperfect to make Him visible to all who meet us. 

Our imperfectness can be our greatest down fall as we wait for the Lord, but sometimes it is out greatest flaw because God continues to show us His love, grace, and mercy by continually helping us to stay back on the path He has set before us. What beauty in such imperfection!

But sometimes our imperfections can come down to a few words, and for me, it comes down to FEAR. 

Fear controls my life, my every waking moment, my inner turmoil, my future, my past, present day, EVERYTHING. And my Biggest fear from all that centers around Failure. Fear of failure in not writing well, in not doing my job at work well, in not babysitting well, in not loving well enough, in not accomplishing enough, in failing to love others.

But if I have learned anything in this life, I've learned that Fear is what keeps us back from God. Fear keeps us from going forward; it holds us back. Fear keeps us in the past, afraid of the future, and fearful of the life we live right now. FEAR does that to us. Fear controls. But someday you have to decide to either keep letting the fear control you or to let it all go. Letting it go can be VERY hard. VERY, VERY Hard. But sometimes our hardest situations can be our Biggest growing points in life. 

It is exactly what God is teaching me right now. He's teaching me "The past is where you learned the lesson. The future is where you apply the lesson." And we are all "products of our past, not a prisoner of it." We are products. We grow from our pasts. Our pasts are not supposed to hold us back, but push us to keep fighting, growing, and working. We need to stop looking back at the imperfections of our pasts and start using those imperfections to grow us into what God has intended for us. 

"Our Greatest fear should not be of FAILURE but of SUCCEEDING at things in life that don't really MATTER." 

Take the leap of faith and jump, right off that edge. Dive head first into glorifying God, not looking at your past, present, and future in fear, but as a future success story. Start seeing the trials as lessons, that life is to be lived and not feared, that living in the moment can often be the best thing you have ever experienced. Live for the now and not the past. LIVE. Life is precious and sacred, don't waste it by fearing it. Don't let your imperfections keep you from living the life God gave you to live. Love life and live it. 

The Journey of Brokenness

As usual, I haven't written in forever. 

This semester has been the hardest spiritually for me. God has been breaking and remaking me. I've been fighting it, but sometimes, from what I've learned recently, we need to hit rock bottom before we realize just how far down our failures and demons have brought us. Sometimes hitting rock bottom is what saves us from ourselves. 

Just a few days ago, I had another almost rock bottom episode, that shot me out of my depression and placed a resolve in my heart to fight against the demons inside. To fight for my life and to fight for success with God's help. 

For years I've lived my life on an "I can't" mind set. I'd want to do something successful, but would always convince myself that in the end I just couldn't do it. It didn't matter what it was, whether a request or challenge from myself or others or from something God had laid on my heart, if my heart wasn't in it, I'd use a multitude of excuses that all ended in "can'ts. " It could be anything from using my health issues or my not as smart as others response or even not physically capable. Excuses. All of these were just excuses! Pointless and meaningless in the end. All pointing to my selfish and uncaring attitude to everyone and everything in the world. People didn't matter. The only thing that truly mattered was myself. 

I was stuck. Paralyzed. I could see how I was acting, what I was doing, and how far off I was wondering from the path, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't move from my current direction. I was paralyzed. Much like NF's song Paralyzed:

"Paralyzed"

When did I become so numb?
When did I lose myself?
All the words that leave my tongue
Feel like they came from someone else

I'm paralyzed
Where are my feelings?
I no longer feel things
I know I should
I'm paralyzed
Where is the real me?
I'm lost and it kills me - inside
I'm paralyzed

When did I become so cold?
When did I become ashamed? (Ooh)
Where's the person that I know?
They must have left
They must have left
With all my faith

I'm paralyzed
I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die
And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago
But it's still alive
And it's taking over me - where am I?
I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside
But I feel nothing, I wonder why
And on the race of life time passes by
Look
I sit back and I watch it, hands in my pockets
Waves come crashing over me but I just watch 'em
I just watch 'em
I'm under water but I feel like I'm on top of it
I'm at the bottom and I don't know what the problem is
I'm in a box
But I'm the one who locked me in
Suffocating and I'm running out of oxygen

I'm paralyzed 
Where are my feelings? 
I no longer feel things 
I know I should 
I'm paralyzed
Where is the real me? 
I'm lost and it kills me - inside

I'm paralyzed

I had again fallen into my very selfish ways and was allowing the things of the flesh to dictate my wants and my attitude. I cannot describe to you the unfathomable self-loathing and hatred piercing through me when I ended up on my knees, my heart wrenching, crying out to the Lord to save me from myself. It wasn't one of my typical responses as I've had before. I finally saw just how low I have fallen, and how unchristianly I have been behaving to everyone! And for the first time in my life, after encouragement from God and three wonderful women in my life, I finally felt confident that God will get me through this time in my life. He will be there to pull me out of myself and rescue me from my demons. I confidently felt the urge to fight this battle and be able to win it with the Lord standing at my side. 

So, even though I hate hitting rock bottom, I love knowing I have God at my side to pick me off the floor and mold me more into the person I know He wants me to be. The road is still long. I know I will continue to struggle and fight against my sins, the darkness within me, but I can walk through this valley with confidence in knowing the Lord is rescuing, renewing, and molding me into the real me. 

What is becoming one of my favorite scriptures is Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die; 
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 
a time to kill, and a time to heal; 
a time to break down, and a time to build up; 
a time to weep, and a time to laugh; 
a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; 
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 
a time to seek, and a time to lose; 
a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 
a time to tear, and a time to sew; 
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 
a time to love, and a time to hate; 
a time for war, and a time for peace."

I have been broken down and built up, 
I have wept and laughed, 
mourned and danced, 
embraced and rejected, 
caught and lost sight of, 
kept and cast away, 
stayed silent for too long and spoken too hurtfully, 
I have loved and hated, 

But now it's time for war. It's time to fight. There is no peace till the battle is won!

This is my battle cry against the demons in my life, the sins I won't let go, the selfish way I've behaved, the inconsiderate way I've acted, and more. I'm ready to release the fear and distrust. I'm ready to trust with everything in me, giving my all to Him - the protector and creator of my life. 

God is breaking and remaking me again and again. 

And sometime, hopefully soon, a beauty shining of Christ light will arise from the ashes of my brokenness. 

Waiting for the Lord's Timing

Last night I was talking with my cousin, who is like a twin sister to me; we were discussing how often we get impatient on the Lord's timing. I often find myself wanting things down right now. No waiting, no growing, no patience. I want something done right away because I think it is best for me. Instead God steps in and says, "No, my child, you must wait for my timing because my timing is perfect." 

I shared a paraphrased verse from Habakkuk 2:3 with my cousin, "Faith in God includes Faith in His timing."

and another longer quote from Heather Lindsey:

"Are you patient with God? Meaning that if you've run into a problem or you aren't sure about something.. do you immediately try to solve the problem or do you stop and ask HIM what to do? I've learned that God will show you what to do BUT you have to LET HIM. You have to stop trying to take life into your hands while getting pressured by society to "make a decision" when you don't know what to do! be OK with telling people, "I don't know yet because God hasn't showed me what to do but when HE does show me, I will be sure to let you know. Until then, I may look foolish but I'm going to SIT here & trust Him. And you better believe my God always comes through." The end. 

Do you wait for the Lord's timing or do you dive head first into doing what you think is best? Does it turn out the way you want it to? Or does it often go array because it wasn't the right timing and impatience got in the way of God's plan? 

Do not forget that the Lord has a plan for you always even when it feels like He has turned aside from you. He is with you always and His plan for your life is perfect, incredible, beautiful, and everlasting. Do not lose faith in the One who will never desert you. You are loved. You are wanted. You are Beautiful. Live life to the fullest of what God has given you. Enjoy Life. Enjoy the simple things in life. And above all else cherish your life for it is a precious gift from God. 

Blessings,

J.C.Hart

Life. Learning New Things. Vulnerable.

I haven't written in forever because I've allowed life to keep me from doing what I love most - Writing. I'm learning that no matter how busy life is, I still need to try to write. 

I finished writing and editing my book this summer. With a few more read throughs, I'm hoping to send my book into an ebook company and printing company here in town!! I'm very excited to see my book finished and published soon! Finally finished after two years! :) 




I've been sitting here and staring at this blog post for two hours now and I have yet to find the words to describe what's been going on in my life. I'm just going to say I'm learning that all the years I've spent stuffing my emotions and covering up how I really feel have finally come back to bite me in the butt. God has been using close friends to teach me how to open up and become more vulnerable. It's been life altering and very eye opening to see how much junk I've stuffed down instead of released at the time emotions and situations occurred. Life is very bumpy right now, my moods swing from happy to depressed within hours - depressed the stronger emotion as of late. But God is teaching me to let go of the stress, the anger, the worry, the anxiety, the sadness, the loneliness, the craziness of life and let HIM take over. 

There is so much more going on than just those few words, but that's all I can put into words right now. It's taking a long time to rip my walls down and show the real me. The me that can't continue to fake being fine. The real me that is broken, ripped, falling apart. The real me that is trying to let go and let God come and pick up the pieces and put me back together.  

I don't have words of encouragement other than what others have offered me, but perhaps someone will find encouragement. Someone will know they are not alone. Because you aren't. There is always someone else going through the same thing you are, and God is always by our side. 

"The minute you think of giving up, think of the reason why you held on so long."

"Your skin isn't paper

don't cut it

Your face isn't a mask

don't cover it

Your size isn't a book

don't judge it

Your life isn't it a film

don't end it

You are BEAUTIFUL"

HAVE COURAGE

For God has not given us a 

spirit of fear, but of power

and of love and of a 

sound mind."

2 Tim. 1:7

"JESUS

be brave enough to surrender to HIM."

"HOPE

is the one 

Thing

STRONGER

than

FEAR."

LET GOD

"Pray Persistently

So many times, when we reach the end of our rope, we turn to prayer, but when our prayers are not instantly answered, we give up. Today, I want to encourage you to not only pray, but to pray persistently. Don't stress out trying to make things happen on your own. Give it all to God as you pray."

"Upon the palms of my hands I have written your name."

Isaiah 49:16

Background

Playing the Background instead of Center stage.

This is what I'm beginning to see as I edit my story. It's not about me; it never really was when I began writing, but I lost focus sometime during the writing process.
I'm going back to the beginning.
I want to play the Background.
I don't want the focus to be on me; I want the focus to be on the message beyond the story. I want to write for the world to hear the Word of the Lord. Not for the world to hear and know about me.
I don't matter, but these stories God has given me to write, matter.
It's so hard to let go of the control and to give it all to the Lord. But God has been teaching me lately what it means to really give everything to Him. To become vulnerable to others around me, to no longer control what I write, what I want with my life, or my future plans. I've been denying for a year or more about things occurring in my life or how events affect me. No more. I'm done. Finished. Tetelestai.
Here's to giving control of my life over to the Lord.
Here's to New Beginnings.

Background by Lecrae​

[Chorus:]
I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

[Verse 1:]
It's evident you run the show, so let me back down
You take the leading role, and I'll play the background
I know I miss my cues, know I forget my lines
I'm sticking to your script, and I'm reading all your signs
I don't need my name in lights, I don't need a starring role
Why gain the whole wide world, If I'm just going lose my soul
And my ways ain't pure if I don't live according to Your Word
I can't endure this life without Your wisdom being heard
So word, to every dancer for a pop star
'Cause we all play the background, but mine's a rockstar
Yeah, so if you need me I'll be stage right
Praying the whole world will start embracing stage fright
So let me fall back, stop giving my suggestions
'Cause when I follow my obsessions, I end up confessing
That I'm not that impressive, matter of fact
I'm who I are, a trail of stardust leading to the superstar

[Chorus:]
I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

[Verse 2:]
I had a dream that I was captain of my soul
I was master of my fate, lost control, and then I sank
So I don't want to take the lead, 'cause I'm prone to make mistakes
All these folks who follow me, gon' end up in the wrong place
So let me just shadow you, let me trace your lines
Matter of fact, just take my pen, here, you create my rhymes
'Cause if I do this by myself, I'm scared that I'll succeed
And no longer trust in you, 'cause I only trust in me
And see, that's how you end up headed to destruction
Paving a road to nowhere, pour your life out for nothing
You pulled my card, I'm bluffing, You know what's in my hand
Me, I just roll and trust you, You cause the dice to land
I'm in control of nothing, follow you at any cost
Some call it sovereign will, all I know is you the boss
Man, I'm so at ease, I'm so content
I'll play the background, like it's an instrument

[Chorus:]
I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

[Bridge:]
I know I'm safest when I'm in Your will, and trust Your Word
I know I'm dangerous when I trust myself, my vision blurred
And I ain't got no time to play life's foolish games
Got plenty aims, but do they really Glorify Your name
And it's a shame, the way I want to do these things for You, yeah
Don't even cling to you, take time to sit and glean from You
It seems You were patient in my ignorance
If ignorance is bliss, it's 'cause she never heard of this

[Chorus:]
I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead

[Chorus:]
I could play the background
I could play the background
Cause I know sometimes I get in the way
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
So won't You take the lead, lead, lead?
And I could play the background, background
And you could take the lead.