Diving into the Mind of Depression

I know I've shared the news of my depression. Depression that I have had for 10 years. It took me a while to see it, but when I did, I ran from knowing it. I didn't want to see myself as depressed. I didn't want to admit that I was a cracked and broken person. Because admitting it would mean that it was true. It was reality. I didn't want to face the reality of having depression. So I ran from it. Ran for years.

I never really know how to tell people what it feels like to be depressed or what is going on in my mind. There are days when I'm fine. The depression is there, but not as strong as other days. But on my worst days, my mind is such a jumble. I struggle to stay focused at work, and I typically succeed at staying focused, but come home EXHAUSTED. I don't want to do anything when I get home, but sleep or lay on my bed and do nothing.

But on those occasions when I can no longer hold anything inside of me, but I don't want to voice whats going on in my head, I write my emotions down. It helps. Someone, God, knows. So.... here is a little preview of what goes on - Into the Mind of Depression:

1/28/16: I am broken and I cannot piece myself back together. It's not possible on my own. I need you, Lord. I need you, want you. Help me to stand in this sinking sand. To climb onto your solid rock. Because without you, I am drowning. 

My heart is breaking. I'm surrounded by shadows. I'm lost on a wayward path. Please come find me. Save me from my fears, doubts, failures, pain, and struggle. Please be my shining light in the midst of this broken, shadowed path. I need you. And I'm so tired of hiding amongst these paths to try to make it on my own. I don't want to and can't because all I do is fail and destroy myself. 

Take me from this darkness

Save me from my brokenness

Raise me from my death

Shine a light on my darkness

Save me from myself

Destroy the former me

Make me new to follow your will

Protect me from my stupidity

Help me rise above my selfishness

Keep me from controlling

Grant me forgiveness of my sins

Love me

Put me back together

Hold me. Keep me safe

Help me love again. 

2/13/16: Sometimes we are so desperately broken inside. We have no way of telling others. We've gotten so good at covering up just how lost and torn asunder we are, no one sees just how much harm we are unto ourselves. They can't see us drowning. They can't see the mental scars we've given ourselves. They don't understand. Ive done this to myself, but can't undo the damage. I'm broken. No one but God truly knows how to love me. Not even me.

On this same day, I later wrote encouraging quotes I had found and written in my journal. 

"There is always a dawn, you just have to last the night."

"HOLD ON -> tomorrow is worth it."

"GOODBYE is hard. 

It may be harder for the person leaving, 

but it's always hardest for the one being left behind."

Even when we consider it, we can't think of ending our story. Our life. We have to think about how it will effect those around us. What we do to ourselves often harms those around us. Depression makes us think about ourselves and what we are feeling and how down we are. But we have to learn to start thinking differently whenever depression hits. We can't think about ourselves. We have to start training ourselves to look beyond ourselves and see people around us. Quit thinking about ourselves and focus on what we are good at doing, focus on people and helping them, focus on pushing beyond our troubles and downward thoughts and look to God to save us from ourselves. We have to constantly remind ourselves this:

You may be bent, but you are not broken.

You may be scared, but you are not disfigured.

You may be sad, but you are not hopeless.

You may be tired, but you are not lifeless.

You may be afraid, but you are not powerless.

You may be angry, but you are not bitter.

You may be depressed, but you are NOT GIVING UP!

YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR! 

SO FIGHT!

We are all given our lives because we are STRONG enough to LIVE IT! 

Become a Warr;or. Learn how to fight back and don't lose sight of the one True God who made you and gave you your life. Your life is worth living. Even if life is Hell, someone out there needs you and wants you to survive your darkest night. 

Remind yourself daily:

You are a Masterpiece

You are Handpicked by God

You are LOVED

You are a person of Extreme Value

&

Significant

AND 

Remember, one of these days the Lord will give us all strength to Rise from the Ashes of our near destructions. 

Hebrews 13:5 - I will never leave you more Forsake you, declares the Lord.