Diving into the Mind of Depression

I know I've shared the news of my depression. Depression that I have had for 10 years. It took me a while to see it, but when I did, I ran from knowing it. I didn't want to see myself as depressed. I didn't want to admit that I was a cracked and broken person. Because admitting it would mean that it was true. It was reality. I didn't want to face the reality of having depression. So I ran from it. Ran for years.

I never really know how to tell people what it feels like to be depressed or what is going on in my mind. There are days when I'm fine. The depression is there, but not as strong as other days. But on my worst days, my mind is such a jumble. I struggle to stay focused at work, and I typically succeed at staying focused, but come home EXHAUSTED. I don't want to do anything when I get home, but sleep or lay on my bed and do nothing.

But on those occasions when I can no longer hold anything inside of me, but I don't want to voice whats going on in my head, I write my emotions down. It helps. Someone, God, knows. So.... here is a little preview of what goes on - Into the Mind of Depression:

1/28/16: I am broken and I cannot piece myself back together. It's not possible on my own. I need you, Lord. I need you, want you. Help me to stand in this sinking sand. To climb onto your solid rock. Because without you, I am drowning. 

My heart is breaking. I'm surrounded by shadows. I'm lost on a wayward path. Please come find me. Save me from my fears, doubts, failures, pain, and struggle. Please be my shining light in the midst of this broken, shadowed path. I need you. And I'm so tired of hiding amongst these paths to try to make it on my own. I don't want to and can't because all I do is fail and destroy myself. 

Take me from this darkness

Save me from my brokenness

Raise me from my death

Shine a light on my darkness

Save me from myself

Destroy the former me

Make me new to follow your will

Protect me from my stupidity

Help me rise above my selfishness

Keep me from controlling

Grant me forgiveness of my sins

Love me

Put me back together

Hold me. Keep me safe

Help me love again. 

2/13/16: Sometimes we are so desperately broken inside. We have no way of telling others. We've gotten so good at covering up just how lost and torn asunder we are, no one sees just how much harm we are unto ourselves. They can't see us drowning. They can't see the mental scars we've given ourselves. They don't understand. Ive done this to myself, but can't undo the damage. I'm broken. No one but God truly knows how to love me. Not even me.

On this same day, I later wrote encouraging quotes I had found and written in my journal. 

"There is always a dawn, you just have to last the night."

"HOLD ON -> tomorrow is worth it."

"GOODBYE is hard. 

It may be harder for the person leaving, 

but it's always hardest for the one being left behind."

Even when we consider it, we can't think of ending our story. Our life. We have to think about how it will effect those around us. What we do to ourselves often harms those around us. Depression makes us think about ourselves and what we are feeling and how down we are. But we have to learn to start thinking differently whenever depression hits. We can't think about ourselves. We have to start training ourselves to look beyond ourselves and see people around us. Quit thinking about ourselves and focus on what we are good at doing, focus on people and helping them, focus on pushing beyond our troubles and downward thoughts and look to God to save us from ourselves. We have to constantly remind ourselves this:

You may be bent, but you are not broken.

You may be scared, but you are not disfigured.

You may be sad, but you are not hopeless.

You may be tired, but you are not lifeless.

You may be afraid, but you are not powerless.

You may be angry, but you are not bitter.

You may be depressed, but you are NOT GIVING UP!

YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR! 

SO FIGHT!

We are all given our lives because we are STRONG enough to LIVE IT! 

Become a Warr;or. Learn how to fight back and don't lose sight of the one True God who made you and gave you your life. Your life is worth living. Even if life is Hell, someone out there needs you and wants you to survive your darkest night. 

Remind yourself daily:

You are a Masterpiece

You are Handpicked by God

You are LOVED

You are a person of Extreme Value

&

Significant

AND 

Remember, one of these days the Lord will give us all strength to Rise from the Ashes of our near destructions. 

Hebrews 13:5 - I will never leave you more Forsake you, declares the Lord.

IMPERFECT

IMPERFECTION:

Philippians 4:12-13 - Low - High: He is my Strength
Matthew 11:28-30 - Heavy laden: He takes my burden
Psalm 71:14 - Hope: Praise Him no matter what
Psalm 25: 15 - He will save no matter what
Joshua 1:9 - Be strong and courageous: God is with me always
Hebrews 13:21 - Equipping us to do His work to Bring Him glory


Imperfection is what makes us who we are. Sometimes we have to be smashed in the face before we see it, but it is always there in front of our faces, in our characters, in what we do, what we think, how we talk. Everywhere. We are made imperfect so that He could be more Perfect, that we could see His amazing and awesome glory. So we could see Him for who He is. We could see how He makes us strong by bringing His loving arms and Grace and perfection into the picture. We are made imperfect to make Him visible to all who meet us. 

Our imperfectness can be our greatest down fall as we wait for the Lord, but sometimes it is out greatest flaw because God continues to show us His love, grace, and mercy by continually helping us to stay back on the path He has set before us. What beauty in such imperfection!

But sometimes our imperfections can come down to a few words, and for me, it comes down to FEAR. 

Fear controls my life, my every waking moment, my inner turmoil, my future, my past, present day, EVERYTHING. And my Biggest fear from all that centers around Failure. Fear of failure in not writing well, in not doing my job at work well, in not babysitting well, in not loving well enough, in not accomplishing enough, in failing to love others.

But if I have learned anything in this life, I've learned that Fear is what keeps us back from God. Fear keeps us from going forward; it holds us back. Fear keeps us in the past, afraid of the future, and fearful of the life we live right now. FEAR does that to us. Fear controls. But someday you have to decide to either keep letting the fear control you or to let it all go. Letting it go can be VERY hard. VERY, VERY Hard. But sometimes our hardest situations can be our Biggest growing points in life. 

It is exactly what God is teaching me right now. He's teaching me "The past is where you learned the lesson. The future is where you apply the lesson." And we are all "products of our past, not a prisoner of it." We are products. We grow from our pasts. Our pasts are not supposed to hold us back, but push us to keep fighting, growing, and working. We need to stop looking back at the imperfections of our pasts and start using those imperfections to grow us into what God has intended for us. 

"Our Greatest fear should not be of FAILURE but of SUCCEEDING at things in life that don't really MATTER." 

Take the leap of faith and jump, right off that edge. Dive head first into glorifying God, not looking at your past, present, and future in fear, but as a future success story. Start seeing the trials as lessons, that life is to be lived and not feared, that living in the moment can often be the best thing you have ever experienced. Live for the now and not the past. LIVE. Life is precious and sacred, don't waste it by fearing it. Don't let your imperfections keep you from living the life God gave you to live. Love life and live it.