Precious Life.

"Jack was killed yesterday in a shooting....."

These were the words I was greeted with Sunday morning as I walked into Sunday school. My heart dropped and then rose into my throat in a matter of seconds. A very, very dear friend of mine used to date this young man and even had a daughter with him before he turned his back on the Lord and ran into the darkness of drugs. Though she no longer dated him and rarely saw him, I knew she still loved him and prayed daily that he would turn from his ways and run back into the arms of Jesus. But he didn't. Any chance he could have had was ripped away from him in a split second. Life was ended in a matter of seconds and what a gaping hole of pain it left behind.

This week I watched the devastation of his life ending so suddenly ripple through my friend and her family. He was family, even though he was lost. My grief for her and her family and his family and friends, I knew could in no way match their grief, and yet I felt like I was living through Jace and the twins' deaths all over again. I felt so helpless and yet I wanted to be a strong tower they could lean on. Watching what death does to someone you love, is the most heartbreaking thing to witness. I've always hated it and always will. 

But watching her reminded me how precious life is. Too often, I see my life as a failure, a speck of dust that could quickly disappear in the sea of other peoples' lives. Something that if I chose to throw away, no one would miss, no one would realize it was gone. 

How wrong I am to think that. Last night proved just how wrong I am in thinking my life doesn't matter. That life isn't a precious gift given to us by our Lord and Savior. 

As I drove to another friend's house to get ready for Jack's funeral, another loved one texted me. I knew without her straight out voicing it that she was contemplating ending her life. In that moment, I felt utterly torn in two. Here I was going to a funeral for a young man who's life had suddenly ended not by choice and my dear friend was trying to end her life by choice. It scared me to death, and suddenly I was split between jumping in my car and frantically driving to see her and going to this funeral to support my dear friend. 

With a pounding heart, I climbed into my friends car to go to the funeral as my heart and soul cried fervently to the Lord to save and rescue my loved one. 

Life. Is. So. Short. So very short. You never know when it can come to a dead halt. Don't waste your life. Don't lose sight of the One who always holds you. Don't lose your grasp on reality. Don't give up on your life no matter how hard it gets. Don't let go of the precious, precious life Jesus has given you. 

Nothing in this life is worth ending the life God has given you. The trials, the devastation, the sadness, the death, the sorrow, the tears, the aches, they are nothing compared to the precious eternal gift that God has given us. 

"For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 
2 Corinthians 4:10

Our Sorrows will be turned to joy, even though the loss of a loved one will never go away. Someday the sorrow will dissolve into joy that they no longer live on this world, but dance in the presence of God. 

Live life knowing that this World is not our home, for our home resides in Heaven, but God has placed us on this earth to be a light to everyone around us. We are the messengers, we are His people here to spread the Word in a world being overcome with darkness. But, most of all. 
LIVE. 
Life is not a choice that you can take away, it is a gift. A precious gift, more precious than anything on this earth. You cannot throw it away. You cannot return it. You cannot end it. 
LIVE. 
Be a blessing to those around you. 
Be a light to this dark world. 
Love with your whole heart. 
Treasure the moments you have with loved one. 
Laugh often. 
Dance. 
Be filled with Joy. 
Run to Jesus.
Hold tightly to the Promise He has given us. 
Live life to the Fullest. 
Take those adventures.
Enjoy the little things. 
Bring joy to someone else's life. 
Encourage. 
Fight for the life you have. 
Stand strong in the Lord. 

And most of all, just remember, to live this life that the Lord has given you. Live every heart beat, every mistake, every heartbreak, every sorrow, every joy, every moment of every day. 

Choose Life. 

LIVE.

Diving into the Mind of Depression

I know I've shared the news of my depression. Depression that I have had for 10 years. It took me a while to see it, but when I did, I ran from knowing it. I didn't want to see myself as depressed. I didn't want to admit that I was a cracked and broken person. Because admitting it would mean that it was true. It was reality. I didn't want to face the reality of having depression. So I ran from it. Ran for years.

I never really know how to tell people what it feels like to be depressed or what is going on in my mind. There are days when I'm fine. The depression is there, but not as strong as other days. But on my worst days, my mind is such a jumble. I struggle to stay focused at work, and I typically succeed at staying focused, but come home EXHAUSTED. I don't want to do anything when I get home, but sleep or lay on my bed and do nothing.

But on those occasions when I can no longer hold anything inside of me, but I don't want to voice whats going on in my head, I write my emotions down. It helps. Someone, God, knows. So.... here is a little preview of what goes on - Into the Mind of Depression:

1/28/16: I am broken and I cannot piece myself back together. It's not possible on my own. I need you, Lord. I need you, want you. Help me to stand in this sinking sand. To climb onto your solid rock. Because without you, I am drowning. 

My heart is breaking. I'm surrounded by shadows. I'm lost on a wayward path. Please come find me. Save me from my fears, doubts, failures, pain, and struggle. Please be my shining light in the midst of this broken, shadowed path. I need you. And I'm so tired of hiding amongst these paths to try to make it on my own. I don't want to and can't because all I do is fail and destroy myself. 

Take me from this darkness

Save me from my brokenness

Raise me from my death

Shine a light on my darkness

Save me from myself

Destroy the former me

Make me new to follow your will

Protect me from my stupidity

Help me rise above my selfishness

Keep me from controlling

Grant me forgiveness of my sins

Love me

Put me back together

Hold me. Keep me safe

Help me love again. 

2/13/16: Sometimes we are so desperately broken inside. We have no way of telling others. We've gotten so good at covering up just how lost and torn asunder we are, no one sees just how much harm we are unto ourselves. They can't see us drowning. They can't see the mental scars we've given ourselves. They don't understand. Ive done this to myself, but can't undo the damage. I'm broken. No one but God truly knows how to love me. Not even me.

On this same day, I later wrote encouraging quotes I had found and written in my journal. 

"There is always a dawn, you just have to last the night."

"HOLD ON -> tomorrow is worth it."

"GOODBYE is hard. 

It may be harder for the person leaving, 

but it's always hardest for the one being left behind."

Even when we consider it, we can't think of ending our story. Our life. We have to think about how it will effect those around us. What we do to ourselves often harms those around us. Depression makes us think about ourselves and what we are feeling and how down we are. But we have to learn to start thinking differently whenever depression hits. We can't think about ourselves. We have to start training ourselves to look beyond ourselves and see people around us. Quit thinking about ourselves and focus on what we are good at doing, focus on people and helping them, focus on pushing beyond our troubles and downward thoughts and look to God to save us from ourselves. We have to constantly remind ourselves this:

You may be bent, but you are not broken.

You may be scared, but you are not disfigured.

You may be sad, but you are not hopeless.

You may be tired, but you are not lifeless.

You may be afraid, but you are not powerless.

You may be angry, but you are not bitter.

You may be depressed, but you are NOT GIVING UP!

YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR! 

SO FIGHT!

We are all given our lives because we are STRONG enough to LIVE IT! 

Become a Warr;or. Learn how to fight back and don't lose sight of the one True God who made you and gave you your life. Your life is worth living. Even if life is Hell, someone out there needs you and wants you to survive your darkest night. 

Remind yourself daily:

You are a Masterpiece

You are Handpicked by God

You are LOVED

You are a person of Extreme Value

&

Significant

AND 

Remember, one of these days the Lord will give us all strength to Rise from the Ashes of our near destructions. 

Hebrews 13:5 - I will never leave you more Forsake you, declares the Lord.

IMPERFECT

IMPERFECTION:

Philippians 4:12-13 - Low - High: He is my Strength
Matthew 11:28-30 - Heavy laden: He takes my burden
Psalm 71:14 - Hope: Praise Him no matter what
Psalm 25: 15 - He will save no matter what
Joshua 1:9 - Be strong and courageous: God is with me always
Hebrews 13:21 - Equipping us to do His work to Bring Him glory


Imperfection is what makes us who we are. Sometimes we have to be smashed in the face before we see it, but it is always there in front of our faces, in our characters, in what we do, what we think, how we talk. Everywhere. We are made imperfect so that He could be more Perfect, that we could see His amazing and awesome glory. So we could see Him for who He is. We could see how He makes us strong by bringing His loving arms and Grace and perfection into the picture. We are made imperfect to make Him visible to all who meet us. 

Our imperfectness can be our greatest down fall as we wait for the Lord, but sometimes it is out greatest flaw because God continues to show us His love, grace, and mercy by continually helping us to stay back on the path He has set before us. What beauty in such imperfection!

But sometimes our imperfections can come down to a few words, and for me, it comes down to FEAR. 

Fear controls my life, my every waking moment, my inner turmoil, my future, my past, present day, EVERYTHING. And my Biggest fear from all that centers around Failure. Fear of failure in not writing well, in not doing my job at work well, in not babysitting well, in not loving well enough, in not accomplishing enough, in failing to love others.

But if I have learned anything in this life, I've learned that Fear is what keeps us back from God. Fear keeps us from going forward; it holds us back. Fear keeps us in the past, afraid of the future, and fearful of the life we live right now. FEAR does that to us. Fear controls. But someday you have to decide to either keep letting the fear control you or to let it all go. Letting it go can be VERY hard. VERY, VERY Hard. But sometimes our hardest situations can be our Biggest growing points in life. 

It is exactly what God is teaching me right now. He's teaching me "The past is where you learned the lesson. The future is where you apply the lesson." And we are all "products of our past, not a prisoner of it." We are products. We grow from our pasts. Our pasts are not supposed to hold us back, but push us to keep fighting, growing, and working. We need to stop looking back at the imperfections of our pasts and start using those imperfections to grow us into what God has intended for us. 

"Our Greatest fear should not be of FAILURE but of SUCCEEDING at things in life that don't really MATTER." 

Take the leap of faith and jump, right off that edge. Dive head first into glorifying God, not looking at your past, present, and future in fear, but as a future success story. Start seeing the trials as lessons, that life is to be lived and not feared, that living in the moment can often be the best thing you have ever experienced. Live for the now and not the past. LIVE. Life is precious and sacred, don't waste it by fearing it. Don't let your imperfections keep you from living the life God gave you to live. Love life and live it.