For Those Who Feel broken, lost, alone, unloved, and forgotten

Does anyone else find it incredible how God can decide to use you in an area that, for me, I would define as something I could never do because I've never experienced it? But, God takes that fear and rips it away, leaving me utterly humble and bowed down before a God so indescribable, He often leaves me speechless at his feet. It humbles me, terrifies me, but makes me want to be a better person knowing that God has placed something on my heart to share to others who are going through difficulties that I've never truly experienced, but somehow find the words to encourage and minster.

Tonight I've been at a lost for words as to help a friend out, humbled by the words God places on my heart to say, and at peace by the fact that though I feel helpless to the situation my friend is in, God has the whole thing under control. He holds us all in his hands, bares us up when we fall down, pieces us together when we are broken, and loves us unconditionally even when we've turned away from Him. What a gracious, merciful, and loving Father we have!

But, tonight has reminded me that in a split second what we think could be going so well can change in an instant to a struggle. A reminder that we are all broken, lost, lonely, hurting, confused at times left feeling unloved, unheard, unwanted, and unknown. Even in those moments, there is one true God who has never deserted us, who has always been with us, who will always love, always hear, always want, and always know us.

It's so incredible how God is there to catch us when we feel like we are falling ever downward in a dark tunnel. He's holding us tightly when we see no one in the darkness surrounding us. He will fight for us, for He loves even when no one else can.

I often feel the most comforted in NF's music. Which is interesting because most people identify him as the brutally honest, negative, depressing singer. But his music speaks the most truth of how my life has been. The ups and downs, the near death, the loss, the pain, and stuck in my mind, the paralyzed feelings, the aloneness. He's spoken to it all. His music often up lifts me the most, because every song has a sliver of hope mixed into the buckets of reality.

Here is one of my favorite's of NF's; the one I often run to when I'm feeling desperately alone.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H0NOxf4uaZI

God has us. Even when we think He doesn't. Even when we've turned out backs on Him. Even when we are way off the path.
He.
Still.
Has.
Us.
He.
Loves.
You.
No.
Matter.
What.

To those of you contemplating the ending of your life, be strong and hold onto the knowledge that God put you on this earth for a reason. And "You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it." No one else has your life, because no one is as unique as you. Not a single soul in this entire universe is the identical copy of you. You are unique. So don't give up on this life. Don't give up on living. .Don't give up even when you feel like your drowning. I've been there. I've nearly ended my life because the darkness was too thick, the water too overpowering.

DO NOT GIVE UP ON THIS LIFE! STAND FIRM IN THE MIDST OF THE STORM. STAND STRONG IN THE LORD. 

Remember this: "If you saw the size of the blessing coming, you would understand the magnitude of the Battle you are fighting."

DO not let the devil win. Fight with every ounce of strength, call on the Lord to save you from the darkness within. Hold tight to reality and not the lies in your head.

Don't you dare give up! Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Not EVER!

HOPE is the one thing STRONGER than Fear.
Don't Run from the Darkness, turn and FIGHT! The Battle is the Lord's but he will give you the ability to FIGHT in the Storm.
Be Strong and Courageous. Do not be frightened. Do not be dismayed. God is with you ALWAYS.

"Draw near to God and He will draw near to you." James 4:8
"I am with you always, even to the end of the age." Matthew 28:20
"God has said, "Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you." So we say with confidence, "The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid." Hebrews 13: 5-6
"The Lord is good, a refuge in times of trouble. He cares for those who trust in Him." Nahum 1:7
"Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you." I Peter 5:7

"To Live Would Be an Awfully Great Adventure."

CHANGE: Always Present, but Often Hated

Every time I heard the word "Change" in my younger years, I hated it. Change? Why? Why can't things stay the same, the way they always have been? 

I hated learning new things, going new places, making new friends, and anything else that provoked my fear of the unknown. 

I've always been fearful of everything, and change enhanced the fears.

Unknown anything was scary, because it was foreign. I didn't want to have to change the way I lived my life for the unknown. 

But, we aren't called to live this life the same, day in and day out. We can't. It's not apart of us to stay the same. We grow up from a baby to an adult. We make decisions that change our life in an instant. And yet, when it comes down to it, we don't want to change. Foreign is scary. It always has been and always will be. 

Unless we learn to do one thing.

Change our PERSPECTIVE.

Change the way we look at the unknown as a positive not a negative response to living. It's hard, and it takes time, especially if you are an introvert, but it's possible. I've done it before. I just have to remember to live on the positive side of change. Remind myself, in order to grow, I have to change, because change is the only way I can get from now to where I'm supposed to be.

A follower of Jesus, a writer for the Lord, a gospel sharer to the broken, a stronger version of myself, not just physically but spiritually. I was not called to be what I am today. I know I was called to be a warrior for Christ. And to do that.

I. 
Have. 
To. 
Change. 

Be Transformed by Jesus. 
To be a light. 
To Shine for Christ.

"By faith Abraham obeyed when he was called to go out to a place that he was to receive as an inheritance. And he went out, not knowing where he was going." Hebrews 11:8

I know it will be hard. It's been a trek to get to where I am today, but it will be worth it in the end. Because at the end I will look more like Jesus and less like myself. And that's the ultimate goal, isn't it? To be exactly who God wants you to be, to go where He leads, and to know He's got you?

The path will be long; success will not occur immediately. It will be gradual. But that is what makes the change worth it. Why the end is so rewarding, because it took blood, pain, and every ounce of will power and strength to change and transform. 

"Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and prefect." Romans 12:2

"But our citizenship is in heaven, and from it we await a Savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, who will transform our lowly body to be like his glorious body, by the power that enables him even to subject all things to himself." Philippians 3:20-21

"And we all, with unveiled face, beholding the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the same image from one degree of glory to another. For this comes from the Lord who is the Spirit." 2 Corinthians 3:18

"Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is." 1 John 3:2

So.  

What say you? Will you continue to go on living your life the way it is or will you decide to step out into the unknown? Face the fear head on. And fight onward for God's glory. Ever chasing after the path He is leading you to go and never looking back at the demons that could end it all. 

We are all warriors in our own way. 
Decide to accept the gifts God has given you. 
Accept that change is a good thing. 

And above all else, live to Glorify God through your life, through the changes, the good and the bad. 

LIVE. TRANSFORMED. FOR. CHRIST.

Precious Life.

"Jack was killed yesterday in a shooting....."

These were the words I was greeted with Sunday morning as I walked into Sunday school. My heart dropped and then rose into my throat in a matter of seconds. A very, very dear friend of mine used to date this young man and even had a daughter with him before he turned his back on the Lord and ran into the darkness of drugs. Though she no longer dated him and rarely saw him, I knew she still loved him and prayed daily that he would turn from his ways and run back into the arms of Jesus. But he didn't. Any chance he could have had was ripped away from him in a split second. Life was ended in a matter of seconds and what a gaping hole of pain it left behind.

This week I watched the devastation of his life ending so suddenly ripple through my friend and her family. He was family, even though he was lost. My grief for her and her family and his family and friends, I knew could in no way match their grief, and yet I felt like I was living through Jace and the twins' deaths all over again. I felt so helpless and yet I wanted to be a strong tower they could lean on. Watching what death does to someone you love, is the most heartbreaking thing to witness. I've always hated it and always will. 

But watching her reminded me how precious life is. Too often, I see my life as a failure, a speck of dust that could quickly disappear in the sea of other peoples' lives. Something that if I chose to throw away, no one would miss, no one would realize it was gone. 

How wrong I am to think that. Last night proved just how wrong I am in thinking my life doesn't matter. That life isn't a precious gift given to us by our Lord and Savior. 

As I drove to another friend's house to get ready for Jack's funeral, another loved one texted me. I knew without her straight out voicing it that she was contemplating ending her life. In that moment, I felt utterly torn in two. Here I was going to a funeral for a young man who's life had suddenly ended not by choice and my dear friend was trying to end her life by choice. It scared me to death, and suddenly I was split between jumping in my car and frantically driving to see her and going to this funeral to support my dear friend. 

With a pounding heart, I climbed into my friends car to go to the funeral as my heart and soul cried fervently to the Lord to save and rescue my loved one. 

Life. Is. So. Short. So very short. You never know when it can come to a dead halt. Don't waste your life. Don't lose sight of the One who always holds you. Don't lose your grasp on reality. Don't give up on your life no matter how hard it gets. Don't let go of the precious, precious life Jesus has given you. 

Nothing in this life is worth ending the life God has given you. The trials, the devastation, the sadness, the death, the sorrow, the tears, the aches, they are nothing compared to the precious eternal gift that God has given us. 

"For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal." 
2 Corinthians 4:10

Our Sorrows will be turned to joy, even though the loss of a loved one will never go away. Someday the sorrow will dissolve into joy that they no longer live on this world, but dance in the presence of God. 

Live life knowing that this World is not our home, for our home resides in Heaven, but God has placed us on this earth to be a light to everyone around us. We are the messengers, we are His people here to spread the Word in a world being overcome with darkness. But, most of all. 
LIVE. 
Life is not a choice that you can take away, it is a gift. A precious gift, more precious than anything on this earth. You cannot throw it away. You cannot return it. You cannot end it. 
LIVE. 
Be a blessing to those around you. 
Be a light to this dark world. 
Love with your whole heart. 
Treasure the moments you have with loved one. 
Laugh often. 
Dance. 
Be filled with Joy. 
Run to Jesus.
Hold tightly to the Promise He has given us. 
Live life to the Fullest. 
Take those adventures.
Enjoy the little things. 
Bring joy to someone else's life. 
Encourage. 
Fight for the life you have. 
Stand strong in the Lord. 

And most of all, just remember, to live this life that the Lord has given you. Live every heart beat, every mistake, every heartbreak, every sorrow, every joy, every moment of every day. 

Choose Life. 

LIVE.

Diving into the Mind of Depression

I know I've shared the news of my depression. Depression that I have had for 10 years. It took me a while to see it, but when I did, I ran from knowing it. I didn't want to see myself as depressed. I didn't want to admit that I was a cracked and broken person. Because admitting it would mean that it was true. It was reality. I didn't want to face the reality of having depression. So I ran from it. Ran for years.

I never really know how to tell people what it feels like to be depressed or what is going on in my mind. There are days when I'm fine. The depression is there, but not as strong as other days. But on my worst days, my mind is such a jumble. I struggle to stay focused at work, and I typically succeed at staying focused, but come home EXHAUSTED. I don't want to do anything when I get home, but sleep or lay on my bed and do nothing.

But on those occasions when I can no longer hold anything inside of me, but I don't want to voice whats going on in my head, I write my emotions down. It helps. Someone, God, knows. So.... here is a little preview of what goes on - Into the Mind of Depression:

1/28/16: I am broken and I cannot piece myself back together. It's not possible on my own. I need you, Lord. I need you, want you. Help me to stand in this sinking sand. To climb onto your solid rock. Because without you, I am drowning. 

My heart is breaking. I'm surrounded by shadows. I'm lost on a wayward path. Please come find me. Save me from my fears, doubts, failures, pain, and struggle. Please be my shining light in the midst of this broken, shadowed path. I need you. And I'm so tired of hiding amongst these paths to try to make it on my own. I don't want to and can't because all I do is fail and destroy myself. 

Take me from this darkness

Save me from my brokenness

Raise me from my death

Shine a light on my darkness

Save me from myself

Destroy the former me

Make me new to follow your will

Protect me from my stupidity

Help me rise above my selfishness

Keep me from controlling

Grant me forgiveness of my sins

Love me

Put me back together

Hold me. Keep me safe

Help me love again. 

2/13/16: Sometimes we are so desperately broken inside. We have no way of telling others. We've gotten so good at covering up just how lost and torn asunder we are, no one sees just how much harm we are unto ourselves. They can't see us drowning. They can't see the mental scars we've given ourselves. They don't understand. Ive done this to myself, but can't undo the damage. I'm broken. No one but God truly knows how to love me. Not even me.

On this same day, I later wrote encouraging quotes I had found and written in my journal. 

"There is always a dawn, you just have to last the night."

"HOLD ON -> tomorrow is worth it."

"GOODBYE is hard. 

It may be harder for the person leaving, 

but it's always hardest for the one being left behind."

Even when we consider it, we can't think of ending our story. Our life. We have to think about how it will effect those around us. What we do to ourselves often harms those around us. Depression makes us think about ourselves and what we are feeling and how down we are. But we have to learn to start thinking differently whenever depression hits. We can't think about ourselves. We have to start training ourselves to look beyond ourselves and see people around us. Quit thinking about ourselves and focus on what we are good at doing, focus on people and helping them, focus on pushing beyond our troubles and downward thoughts and look to God to save us from ourselves. We have to constantly remind ourselves this:

You may be bent, but you are not broken.

You may be scared, but you are not disfigured.

You may be sad, but you are not hopeless.

You may be tired, but you are not lifeless.

You may be afraid, but you are not powerless.

You may be angry, but you are not bitter.

You may be depressed, but you are NOT GIVING UP!

YOU ARE WORTH FIGHTING FOR! 

SO FIGHT!

We are all given our lives because we are STRONG enough to LIVE IT! 

Become a Warr;or. Learn how to fight back and don't lose sight of the one True God who made you and gave you your life. Your life is worth living. Even if life is Hell, someone out there needs you and wants you to survive your darkest night. 

Remind yourself daily:

You are a Masterpiece

You are Handpicked by God

You are LOVED

You are a person of Extreme Value

&

Significant

AND 

Remember, one of these days the Lord will give us all strength to Rise from the Ashes of our near destructions. 

Hebrews 13:5 - I will never leave you more Forsake you, declares the Lord.

IMPERFECT

IMPERFECTION:

Philippians 4:12-13 - Low - High: He is my Strength
Matthew 11:28-30 - Heavy laden: He takes my burden
Psalm 71:14 - Hope: Praise Him no matter what
Psalm 25: 15 - He will save no matter what
Joshua 1:9 - Be strong and courageous: God is with me always
Hebrews 13:21 - Equipping us to do His work to Bring Him glory


Imperfection is what makes us who we are. Sometimes we have to be smashed in the face before we see it, but it is always there in front of our faces, in our characters, in what we do, what we think, how we talk. Everywhere. We are made imperfect so that He could be more Perfect, that we could see His amazing and awesome glory. So we could see Him for who He is. We could see how He makes us strong by bringing His loving arms and Grace and perfection into the picture. We are made imperfect to make Him visible to all who meet us. 

Our imperfectness can be our greatest down fall as we wait for the Lord, but sometimes it is out greatest flaw because God continues to show us His love, grace, and mercy by continually helping us to stay back on the path He has set before us. What beauty in such imperfection!

But sometimes our imperfections can come down to a few words, and for me, it comes down to FEAR. 

Fear controls my life, my every waking moment, my inner turmoil, my future, my past, present day, EVERYTHING. And my Biggest fear from all that centers around Failure. Fear of failure in not writing well, in not doing my job at work well, in not babysitting well, in not loving well enough, in not accomplishing enough, in failing to love others.

But if I have learned anything in this life, I've learned that Fear is what keeps us back from God. Fear keeps us from going forward; it holds us back. Fear keeps us in the past, afraid of the future, and fearful of the life we live right now. FEAR does that to us. Fear controls. But someday you have to decide to either keep letting the fear control you or to let it all go. Letting it go can be VERY hard. VERY, VERY Hard. But sometimes our hardest situations can be our Biggest growing points in life. 

It is exactly what God is teaching me right now. He's teaching me "The past is where you learned the lesson. The future is where you apply the lesson." And we are all "products of our past, not a prisoner of it." We are products. We grow from our pasts. Our pasts are not supposed to hold us back, but push us to keep fighting, growing, and working. We need to stop looking back at the imperfections of our pasts and start using those imperfections to grow us into what God has intended for us. 

"Our Greatest fear should not be of FAILURE but of SUCCEEDING at things in life that don't really MATTER." 

Take the leap of faith and jump, right off that edge. Dive head first into glorifying God, not looking at your past, present, and future in fear, but as a future success story. Start seeing the trials as lessons, that life is to be lived and not feared, that living in the moment can often be the best thing you have ever experienced. Live for the now and not the past. LIVE. Life is precious and sacred, don't waste it by fearing it. Don't let your imperfections keep you from living the life God gave you to live. Love life and live it. 

The Journey of Brokenness

As usual, I haven't written in forever. 

This semester has been the hardest spiritually for me. God has been breaking and remaking me. I've been fighting it, but sometimes, from what I've learned recently, we need to hit rock bottom before we realize just how far down our failures and demons have brought us. Sometimes hitting rock bottom is what saves us from ourselves. 

Just a few days ago, I had another almost rock bottom episode, that shot me out of my depression and placed a resolve in my heart to fight against the demons inside. To fight for my life and to fight for success with God's help. 

For years I've lived my life on an "I can't" mind set. I'd want to do something successful, but would always convince myself that in the end I just couldn't do it. It didn't matter what it was, whether a request or challenge from myself or others or from something God had laid on my heart, if my heart wasn't in it, I'd use a multitude of excuses that all ended in "can'ts. " It could be anything from using my health issues or my not as smart as others response or even not physically capable. Excuses. All of these were just excuses! Pointless and meaningless in the end. All pointing to my selfish and uncaring attitude to everyone and everything in the world. People didn't matter. The only thing that truly mattered was myself. 

I was stuck. Paralyzed. I could see how I was acting, what I was doing, and how far off I was wondering from the path, but I couldn't stop. I couldn't move from my current direction. I was paralyzed. Much like NF's song Paralyzed:

"Paralyzed"

When did I become so numb?
When did I lose myself?
All the words that leave my tongue
Feel like they came from someone else

I'm paralyzed
Where are my feelings?
I no longer feel things
I know I should
I'm paralyzed
Where is the real me?
I'm lost and it kills me - inside
I'm paralyzed

When did I become so cold?
When did I become ashamed? (Ooh)
Where's the person that I know?
They must have left
They must have left
With all my faith

I'm paralyzed
I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die
And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago
But it's still alive
And it's taking over me - where am I?
I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside
But I feel nothing, I wonder why
And on the race of life time passes by
Look
I sit back and I watch it, hands in my pockets
Waves come crashing over me but I just watch 'em
I just watch 'em
I'm under water but I feel like I'm on top of it
I'm at the bottom and I don't know what the problem is
I'm in a box
But I'm the one who locked me in
Suffocating and I'm running out of oxygen

I'm paralyzed 
Where are my feelings? 
I no longer feel things 
I know I should 
I'm paralyzed
Where is the real me? 
I'm lost and it kills me - inside

I'm paralyzed

I had again fallen into my very selfish ways and was allowing the things of the flesh to dictate my wants and my attitude. I cannot describe to you the unfathomable self-loathing and hatred piercing through me when I ended up on my knees, my heart wrenching, crying out to the Lord to save me from myself. It wasn't one of my typical responses as I've had before. I finally saw just how low I have fallen, and how unchristianly I have been behaving to everyone! And for the first time in my life, after encouragement from God and three wonderful women in my life, I finally felt confident that God will get me through this time in my life. He will be there to pull me out of myself and rescue me from my demons. I confidently felt the urge to fight this battle and be able to win it with the Lord standing at my side. 

So, even though I hate hitting rock bottom, I love knowing I have God at my side to pick me off the floor and mold me more into the person I know He wants me to be. The road is still long. I know I will continue to struggle and fight against my sins, the darkness within me, but I can walk through this valley with confidence in knowing the Lord is rescuing, renewing, and molding me into the real me. 

What is becoming one of my favorite scriptures is Ecclesiastes 3: 1-8
"For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven:
a time to be born, and a time to die; 
a time to plant, and a time to pluck up what is planted; 
a time to kill, and a time to heal; 
a time to break down, and a time to build up; 
a time to weep, and a time to laugh; 
a time to mourn, and a time to dance; 
a time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; 
a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; 
a time to seek, and a time to lose; 
a time to keep, and a time to cast away; 
a time to tear, and a time to sew; 
a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; 
a time to love, and a time to hate; 
a time for war, and a time for peace."

I have been broken down and built up, 
I have wept and laughed, 
mourned and danced, 
embraced and rejected, 
caught and lost sight of, 
kept and cast away, 
stayed silent for too long and spoken too hurtfully, 
I have loved and hated, 

But now it's time for war. It's time to fight. There is no peace till the battle is won!

This is my battle cry against the demons in my life, the sins I won't let go, the selfish way I've behaved, the inconsiderate way I've acted, and more. I'm ready to release the fear and distrust. I'm ready to trust with everything in me, giving my all to Him - the protector and creator of my life. 

God is breaking and remaking me again and again. 

And sometime, hopefully soon, a beauty shining of Christ light will arise from the ashes of my brokenness. 

Waiting for the Lord's Timing

Last night I was talking with my cousin, who is like a twin sister to me; we were discussing how often we get impatient on the Lord's timing. I often find myself wanting things down right now. No waiting, no growing, no patience. I want something done right away because I think it is best for me. Instead God steps in and says, "No, my child, you must wait for my timing because my timing is perfect." 

I shared a paraphrased verse from Habakkuk 2:3 with my cousin, "Faith in God includes Faith in His timing."

and another longer quote from Heather Lindsey:

"Are you patient with God? Meaning that if you've run into a problem or you aren't sure about something.. do you immediately try to solve the problem or do you stop and ask HIM what to do? I've learned that God will show you what to do BUT you have to LET HIM. You have to stop trying to take life into your hands while getting pressured by society to "make a decision" when you don't know what to do! be OK with telling people, "I don't know yet because God hasn't showed me what to do but when HE does show me, I will be sure to let you know. Until then, I may look foolish but I'm going to SIT here & trust Him. And you better believe my God always comes through." The end. 

Do you wait for the Lord's timing or do you dive head first into doing what you think is best? Does it turn out the way you want it to? Or does it often go array because it wasn't the right timing and impatience got in the way of God's plan? 

Do not forget that the Lord has a plan for you always even when it feels like He has turned aside from you. He is with you always and His plan for your life is perfect, incredible, beautiful, and everlasting. Do not lose faith in the One who will never desert you. You are loved. You are wanted. You are Beautiful. Live life to the fullest of what God has given you. Enjoy Life. Enjoy the simple things in life. And above all else cherish your life for it is a precious gift from God. 

Blessings,

J.C.Hart